"I thought you would make a great mother"

When my daughter was born, I contacted a friend in Austria to let her know I had given birth (she herself has three children).  She congratulated me and said something quite interesting:  "I was thinking of you the other day and said to myself that it was a pity you didn't have any children as you would make a great mother".

I found that statement quite interesting.  She did not take into account whether or not I wanted to have children.  If I do not wish to have any and wish to devote my life to my career or whatever else I may be interested in, then I would not make a good mother despite her seeing me as caring and motherly at times.

Contrary to the popular belief, it is not children who give our life meaning - there are mothers and fathers who may regret becoming parents even though they love their children.  A 2016 German survey by YouGov showed that one in five fathers and mothers said they regretted becoming parents. there is a Facebook group called “I Regret Having Children”, where people post anonymous stories. It has over 28,000 followers.

It is us who give our lives meaning, with or without children.  They are not extensions of ourselves.  We do our best with our children, and then we let them go to forge their own path in life. According to perinatal relationship counsellor Elly Taylor, the author of Becoming Us, a lot of parents don’t anticipate how significant the changes to their lives will be and do not feel prepared for the challenges of parenthood.

"Some people expect being a parent to make their life happier, or make them more in love with their partner, and we know from research that is not the case. From counselling I know that when a parent can understand the reasons for their feelings and have those reasons validated, it’s almost as if those feelings clear up.”

Regrets can be rooted in something as simple as not having enough support. According to Taylor, "maybe their relationship is suffering. It’s common that having children puts tremendous stress on a relationship and a couple may also need marriage counselling.”

I decided to have a child because I wanted to be a mother.  For me, the major advantage of having a child in my forties is that I have no regrets about not having done something or having given something up.  I am exactly where I want to be.  Parents who do not feel the same need support and counselling. 

Do not let anyone talk you or criticise you into being a parent because they think you should or your life would not be meaningful otherwise. Behind closed doors, some people may be jealous of your lifestyle.  They may also have good intentions, but we should not assume that we know what is best for others or what should make them happy.

For more information on Elly Taylor's book visit: https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Us-Couples-Surviving-Parenthood/dp/099238561X/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=Becoming+Us+elly+taylor&qid=1562715232&s=gateway&sr=8-2